IN many ways, being raised in a rigid environment shapes you and your viewpoint of the world. The standards have been established, and the rules are firm. Religion, family, and a strong moral compass guide your decisions. Life was structured for you, and that structure was not to be disrupted.

     As I stand on the brink of graduating from college, the prospect of finally entering the “real world” should excite me. But it feels quite the opposite, and I am more anxious than anything. I was always told to act a certain way and simply obey without questions. For a very long time, this felt safe to me. However, as I slowly step outside the real world and realize that it does not operate under the same conditions, it overwhelms me to the point of tears. 

     The concept of freedom, which we were all taught to cherish once we finally acquired it, has become intimidating to me because, quite frankly, no one has ever prepared me for it. It did not come with a clear instruction manual I could follow. The sense of familiarity I once found comfort in is just gone and all thrown out the window.

     My feelings of anxiousness in entering the real world go beyond my fear of failure and dealing with independence. But it’s also having to make my own decisions on my own terms. I never felt fully equipped to make choices for myself because I always had to consider what other people thought or felt. It was always about making sure that I fulfilled my duty and that my feelings would come in second or third. I often did not know where to stand when making choices that would be convenient for others versus my happiness, which frustrated me to no end.

     Because of this, I sometimes feel like I have not made enough mistakes or learned enough on my own—like I have missed out on the messy, trial-and-error experiences in life. A good friend once told me, “Minsan dapat hinahayaan ka madapa sa sarili mong desisyon. Kung puro best at okay lang ang lahat, matututo ba?”, which changed my perspective when it comes to making mistakes. Life was carefully guided for me, which I am grateful for, but it made me scared of making mistakes because I was hyper-aware of the consequences. But I now realize that the mistakes I avoided were the very ones that I needed.

     There is also the pressure of constantly trying to live up to others’ expectations. I find myself trapped between wanting to uphold everything I was taught and also trying to figure out what I want for myself. I reassure myself every day that I know what I am doing, and I am confident I will succeed. But the fear of disappointing certain people still lingers. It is difficult for me to shake the feeling that I must prove myself because I know people will watch and listen. This just adds more weight to the tremendous stress I am already going through. 

     I try not to burden myself with these thoughts too much or be too hard on myself. After all, I am only human, too. I remind myself to be grateful for my upbringing and to see the good in it. It has taught me to be compassionate and responsible. However, the challenge is finding an equilibrium in respecting those values while learning to navigate a world that may not always share them.

     Maybe that is what makes it all so charming—the tension between anxiety and freedom—is that there is room for growth. Perhaps the key is to see freedom as something you are learning to master and not as something you are prepared or not prepared for. My friends remind me to find comfort in uncertainty because life is not and cannot always be planned. Freedom is not about having it all figured out, but it is about having the confidence to figure it out along the way.