"IT’S the most wonderful time of the year” blasts through the speakers as the holidays roll by. On paper and through social media, plastered with wide smiles on family portraits, it truly seems as if it were true. But is it truly the most wonderful when people are forced to reconnect and tolerate abuse? 

The holidays begin as early as September, with houses glittering in Christmas lights and decorated with multi-colored parols. Children start preparing their array of songs and mapping out the houses they plan to go caroling. And in the heart of it all, families begin planning their venues, booking their flights home, organizing the food spread, and listing the gifts to buy.

With the Philippines having the longest Christmas in the world, that one day in the year truly becomes a magical day for the family. The Christmas spirit comes alive in the people who celebrate it with one another, basking in the love. And if not Christmas, families make a big fuss over Media Noche or the lavish New Year’s Eve. The holidays bring people together, with some families — especially extended families — only truly becoming complete on that day. 

But no family is picture perfect; some of them have cracks just beyond the surface if you look close enough. Some of these cracks had long been wedged, caused by circumstances and external factors some people cannot fully control. And without the proper tool to mend these cracks, it grows bigger until it reaches the ones closest to them and produces more cracks.

Most of the time another generation’s unresolved issues and trauma are projected to the young people through cruel conversations and poisoned actions. Some do not even realize it until it has already piled up after years of abuse, and it boils them alive. 

And when the season begins, victims are asked to suck it in and be the bigger person and interact with these people since they are still “family.” Instead of prioritizing their well-being, they are forced to interact and be civil with them no matter how deep the crack was. Even after reaching out and building the courage to tell their side of the story to another relative, the hope of a Christmas they truly want to remember fades. 

Some say that people who hurt other people have also been hurt, but that does not and should not excuse them. Everyone has their own battles and their demons. Hence, it becomes their responsibility to control and manage them, not let them loose and allow them to cause havoc while maintaining innocence. Everyone is trying to get by in the best way they can.

And in the event that one was able to suck it up, it begins to be expected of the others, which leaves no room for accountability and improvement. Instead of addressing the problem and seeing the fault in it, it is swept under the rug, and everyone is free to live in the fantasy that peace has been restored. These abusers then continue their behavior and fail to think twice of it, believing everything is fine and some people are just “overreacting.”

But it's not, and it will never be okay.

Some may argue that Christmas may be a time for forgiveness and reconciliation, but if forgiveness is never asked but always expected, then it comes to a point where the abuse becomes tolerated and normalized. 

Christmas and the holidays are a time that celebrates the triumphs and joys of the year that is about to end. It relishes the life people are living. It is a time that one deliberately celebrates with family — people they deeply care about and vice versa. Instead, it is tainted by these “family members.” It becomes this anxiety-inducing event that people dread attending. The Christmas spirit dies the moment abusers are allowed to continue their torment since it's tolerated by countless others for the sake of celebrating the holidays. It becomes more of a faux imitation of a family while its structure begins to weaken.

And when it does not go their way, and the person chooses to prioritize their mental health and sanity over tradition, they are framed as selfish and the ultimate villain that ruined the holidays for the whole family. 

There is no ultimate way to win, with these people especially if they refuse to listen — even a word — to their victims.  And maybe, it is better to walk away and choose oneself. 

The 25th already passed, but let us hope that what is left of the Christmas season, the eve of New Year, or any other event is kinder and laced with the true value and meaning of it, not tainted with pain and suffering. Entering the year with renewed and positive energy to be equipped and ready with what life may bring. 

Christmas only happens once a year, may it be as wonderful as how the song goes, and if not, there is always the following year to choose oneself and be rid of the abuse that comes with one’s relatives. 

Choosing one’s sanity can never ruin Christmas, for it is already ruined when abuse is tolerated.