TIME stops for no one. No matter how grueling life gets, the world continues to spin regardless of the state you’re in.

 The question is: will you break or will you bend?

If someone were to ask me that question, the answer would lie in the skewed papers across my desk, the never-ending tabs on my browser, and above all, the endless messages on my phone, waiting to be answered. Breaking is never an option. Bending, on the other hand, is far from enough. Merely surviving isn't enough to make me forget. And so, I chose neither. Instead, I chose to drown.

It is far easier to lose yourself in the chaos that is life rather than to confront the thing that's been haunting you for days, sometimes even years, on end. It's a feeling I know all too well. When life gets too heavy to bear, when emotions meant to be buried are about to surface, I keep myself busy. Accepting any job, going out day and night, all of that just to forget the things that kept me up at night.

My head was a poisonous little thing, never granting me the mercy of quiet. Even if I ran myself ragged, a peaceful night was never in the cards. If anything, the more I craved it, the opposite awaited me. It was an endless night of doubting and wanting. Of doubting myself and everything that I do, no matter how much praise or validation I'm given. Of wishing for a life I could've had if only I were luckier, more privileged. Of wanting someone so terribly that it's akin to an illness—relentless, never-ending. 

And yet despite all the signs, I continued to lose myself. Anything to quiet the voices in my head, just waiting for me to fall apart and spiral. 

It all boils down to the concept of "Depression can't hit a moving target." How constant motion, whether it be socially, physically, or mentally, takes over your life to the point where you're incapable of thinking of anything else but the present. You'd often hear it as a joke, but it couldn't be any more real. After all, not everyone has the strength to face their problems head-on. It's so much easier to run. To put it off and off, just letting it linger till it hopefully fades. 

The problem? It doesn't. If anything, running makes it worse. Because on one random Saturday evening, that wave of sadness suddenly washes over you. The type of sadness that makes you question what's the point in trying to hide when it all comes crashing down, even when you tried so hard to forget?

Which is why no matter how hard you run, those problems, those feelings—it all catches up to you and grabs you by the neck. No warning, no nothing.

Even when I pushed myself to the very limits, it was only a temporary remedy. It was never the cure I needed. That very Saturday was one of the hardest nights of my life. The realization, the emotions, the tears, it was a rush of everything I never asked for. It cut ten times deeper when I realized that all that effort to avoid it was all for naught. 

Looking back, there were times when I deluded myself into thinking that I just wanted more experience. That I just wanted to try new things and explore. When really, it was all a ruse that fooled absolutely no one but myself.

As hard as it is, I've learnt that facing it head-on is better than running away. Running away solved nothing. It only lets those problems and emotions turn into something beyond what one can handle. 

Despite all that, it's easier said than done. Especially when it's the only thing you've ever known.

But every time I get into that headspace, I remind myself: I deserve to heal. Allowing myself to feel and let it all in shouldn't be a crime. It's the hard truth, but pain is a part of the process. It shouldn't be something you avoid; It should be viewed as an opportunity to grow and learn. To grow into a better person and to learn that life, without pain, is a life that lacks color. The very color that makes it worth living for, regardless of how hard it can get.

I say all this now, but I know it'll take a long time to let myself truly heal. The wounds are still fresh, after all. But what matters is the fact that I'm trying. No longer am I running from the demons that continue to haunt me till now. Now, I choose to look them straight in the eye. 

Will it hurt? Absolutely. 

There's a reason why I ran, after all. It's human to drive away the things that are bound to hurt us. But like anyone else, I'm tired. I'm so incredibly tired of letting my problems drive me to a point of no return. 

Breaking still isn't an option for me, especially now. I have dreams and a future I still want to attain, no matter how exhausting the journey is. No longer will I choose to drown in the depths of my sorrow. Instead, I choose to live. Not just going through the motions of it all, but to truly feel everything in all its splendour, good or bad. 

And at the end of the day, these experiences are what make life something worth living for.